Friday, November 18, 2011
Some Days It Just Hurts
I'm having one of those days today where my heart just hurts! My heart hurts because I want my 5th child home with me, in my arms. Somedays it's easier to go about my day-to-day "stuff" without thinking, every second, about how badly I long to have our child home. Today, however, is not one of those days. I took the two younger kids this morning to Hobby Lobby to pick up a couple of Christmas decorations (yes, I'm one of the crazy people that puts my Christmas stuff up as early as I possible can). As I was walking around looking at the stockings, an overwhelming ache came over my body. The thought of my child spending Christmas without us just plain hurts! I know some people don't understand how my heart can ache so much for a child that I've never even met. Well frankly, I don't exactly understand it either. All I know is that there is a 7th person that is suppose to be in this Cole household that isn't here yet and I don't like the empty feeling it gives me. Now, don't get me wrong, I have complete and total trust in God's providence and timing. God is completely in control of this situation and in that I do have peace. As a mom though, sometimes my emotions get the best of me!(Ok, those of you that know me, know that my emotions usually always get the best of me! HA!) So, I apologize to those unfortunate people that saw my emotional breakdown in the stocking aisle at Hobby Lobby! :) I can't promise it will be the last one.
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Sweetie I know EXACTLY how you feel. I just know that I'm supposed to have one more child. Cancer destroyed my chances of producing a child of my body but it did NOT take the ability to have a child of my heart. Often times I see individuals with children that I feel should not have children or even kids having kids and I can't help but lament at the unfairness I feel deep down. I wanted 4 kids but the Lord blessed me with one. You and I both know that if Cameron hadn't come along when he did I would be childless and for that I am ETERNALLY grateful. People often tell me to be thankful for the one I have because there are those that cannot have children of their own. I am thankful more than most could begin to comprehend. However, in my heart I feel like someone is missing. To which some have said I am grieving over my lost children. Yes, I do grieve but I know with my whole being that my daughter is out there and eventually she will come home. I don't know when but I know it WILL happen. Sorry for the mini novel but I just had to let you know that I do know how your heart aches right now. Like you said, it'll happen on God's time which, more often than not, doesn't exactly correlate with our own desired time table. Hang in there sweetie! If you ever want to talk I'm here for you always. Love you!
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